I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize