He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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