I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This baby is an asshole
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize