If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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