You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
