How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
