I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
