two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
