you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
