well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Did I show you my penis last night?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
