im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize