Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
