You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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