dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
