Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
