what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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