yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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