By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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