his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
