Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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