There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
