I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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