Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
