Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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