Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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