Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
