I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
