Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There's always time for handjobs
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
