Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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