I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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