R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
