Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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