Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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