she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
