K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
