I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
