just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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