i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
