i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
