Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
