yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
