Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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