Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You ruined the universe
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
