Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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