This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
