life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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