I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
