What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
