there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
