this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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