Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
