i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
