so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
