I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
PANTIES FOUND
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