No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
