i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
