my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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